Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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