Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
