My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
