I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
