R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
