Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
