just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
