I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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