captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
