I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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