adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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