i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
