margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
