I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
