allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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