I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
