Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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