At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
