Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
