Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
