Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
