Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
