i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
