he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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