So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
