this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
