It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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