Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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