my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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