nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
