I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
