Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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