I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
