my phone needs a breathalizer
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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