It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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