I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
