I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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