After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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