Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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