His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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