Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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