I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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