So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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