Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
