omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
