DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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