just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I need moral support for this bender
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
