As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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