If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
