I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
